Stress of being home with baby

After my last post my bit of postpartum blues became worse. All most all day Thursday, I cried and felt horrible. I missed Landon so much. I couldn't get anything done all day because every time I put Remington down, even if he was sound asleep, he would wake up and start crying. I also think he's going through a growth spurt because he's eating all the time too. People on Facebook have helped a lot with advice and support. I just feel so overwhelmed.

So Landon told me that Saturday would be a day all to myself. It was my 26th birthday anyway. That morning, Landon and I drove over to my parent's house and left Remington with them all day. We then went to Hutchinson to shop and run errands. Landon also took me out to eat for my birthday. I was also amazed to receive my birthday present of a brand new DSLR camera, a Canon Rebel! Wow! I was not expecting such a great gift. We then drove back home to clean the house and get it ready for Landon's family Christmas at our house next weekend. We then planned to pick up Remington around 8pm or so. Landon's mom was going to drive through Lyons and come to our house anyway, so she picked up Remington and brought him to our house so we wouldn't have to make a trip back to Lyons to get him.

I was glad to have the break and thought I was good and done with being overwhelmed until this afternoon. Remington continues to constantly want to be held. I started crying again, which sucks, because I have never been a crier and I hate it. I called my mom for advice and now I feel much better. She's raised 5 kids, so she knows a thing or two about babies, of course. Just talking to someone helped a lot. For now, I'm good and happy again, but I'll keep everyone updated. I'll also post later about what works to keep Remington happy besides being held constantly. It's not bad to hold him, it's just that I can't get anything done and he has to get used to not being held. The day care lady can't hold him all day and that's coming up in a couple weeks, which is a whole other stressor that I'll wait for later to discuss...

Another One Of Those Days

Most of the day today I felt incredibly overwhelmed caring for Remington. I've cried twice so far. I just feel like I have no idea what I'm doing, should be doing, or how anyone let me be responsible for this little person.

I worry about everything- milestones, weight gain, breast milk production. I also think about what it was like before Remington, even if I didn't do anything all day, I miss it. I miss Landon and being able to spend alone time with him. I think about how nothing will ever be the same. I wonder if it was a good idea to have a kid. Yes, I know it's too late for that and we both really wanted kids and still do. I love Remington, and I can't wait for all the fun times we'll have, I'm just super overwhelmed right now. I even think that if teenagers and other people who really shouldn't have kids can take care of a baby, then surely I can. I don't know how people do it though.

I'm sure everyone has days like this, but no one ever tells you about them before you have kids. I knew that I would struggle with these first couple months, I don't really like babies before 6 months and would not even hold young babies. In fact, I'd never changed a diaper before I had Remington.

There have been times today (when I ended up crying) where this sense of helplessness, and feeling of not knowing what I'm doing becomes too much. I guess this is what they call baby blues too. I can't wait until Remington gets older and less dependent on me holding him or comforting him or feeding him constantly. By then there'll be new challenges...

I'm losing my mind!

1:00am- Conversation between Landon and me after the alarm goes off to feed Remington:
Me: Landon, could you go get the nipple shield so I can just feed him here?
Landon: Do you want me to bring him to you?
Me: No, I have him.
Landon: ---

I didn't have Remington, I hadn't moved from bed since the alarm. Landon- he's been amazing!- went and brought Remington to me and I feed him in bed for that feeding.

Being a mom is so exhausting. I'm a basket case that cries at everything. Breastfeeding was not going well. I would struggle for an hour to try and get him to latch on and suck. He just wasn't having it so I was supplementing with formula. I couldn't handle it. I would wake up, struggle and cry with him for an hour, then try to go back to bed only to get up in 2 hours to feed him again. Feeding every 3 hours is exhausting!!! I can't wait until he's back up to his birth weight so I can feed him when he's hungry instead of having to wake him up. I bet he would sleep through the night if I let him.

I feel incredibly overwhelmed with everything. Feeding every 3 hours. I'm not getting any sleep. The whole sleep when they sleep doesn't work either. When he's asleep I just think about everything that needs to be done. Clean the house, eat, stuff to do for work, etc. We really need to go to the store and buy food and stuff, and we need to take down the Halloween decorations, we just have no time!

I couldn't take the breastfeeding problems stress, so I called the nurses at Labor and Delivery for help. I totally recommend this to new moms. Ask for help when you need it, it's worth it. I went into the hospital and they watched me try to feed Remington and I told them what the problems were. I'm crying and I just couldn't deal. I was trying so hard and nothing was working. The nurses had me stay and relax in a room and try to feed him. They told me to stop supplementing (nobody told me to do that anyway- I was just feeding him the formula because I thought he wasn't eating enough). Then one amazing nurse gave me a nipple shield to try. I had tried this earlier when I was still in the hospital and it didn't work very well. This nurse showed me exactly how to use it. It worked instantly. I went home with instructions to use the shield, don't supplement anything, and to call and let them know how it went. Let me just say, I'm sooo happy! It's working like a dream. All of the feedings last night went flawlessly and he ate for 30 minutes each time.
When Landon got home from work last night, I let him know that the shield was working, but I still cried on him for awhile because I still feel overwhelmed and emotional. He has been amazing. He said he didn't feel like he's doing anything, but he totally is. The emotional support he's giving me is so needed. I love him so much! (I'm even getting teary writing this.) Landon took Remington for awhile and let me shower and eat. It sucks that he can't take over a feeding, and he'd be more than willing too. In fact, he would even like to be able to give Remington a bottle at night and let me rest.

Everyone is telling me that it gets better, and I hope they're right. Since the breastfeeding thing is going well now, it's already a huge relief.